Being kind to your partner when you’re angry is hard. It takes a lot of practice, but it can lead to a more stable & satisfying relationship. Two individuals as a couple will grow individually, while still working together. Kindness will bring out the best in both of them, and make them better people for each other. Staying kind when upset will make you a better person and your relationship flourish.
To avoid fights, it's important to not instigate the fight. Couples who start arguments gently are more likely to manage conflict effectively, without harming the relationship.
In a popular Atlantic Magazine interview, Dr Julie Gottman explains that “Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger, but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”
Take Vow of Kindness
When we enter into a committed relationship, we usually make some kind of promise – whether that be the oath of marriage or something less formal. You might promise to love and care for your partner, but you also make an unspoken promise: to continue being your best self and living with integrity every day. Kindness is important throughout the course of your relationship. Instead of just using kind words in moments of conflict, be mindful and considerate in your behaviour – in this way you'll create a much stronger bond. A relationship is the sustained effort of two people to accomplish a shared goal. Even in spite of setbacks or obstacles, partners are responsible for their own behaviour. When you stay kind when upset, in fact, you are fulfilling your vows.
Not being kind is twice as harmful to our relationships — both to our partners and to ourselves. Non-kindness undermines our progress and erodes the potential for greater intimacy.
If we can teach our kids to be kind, responsible and accountable for their actions, we will be building a better society. This can be a tool to train children. Remember that affirmations have the ability to work magic.
Of-course, Kindness Begets Kindness
You can grab here some tips that you can put into action right start to cultivate kindness in your relationship, regardless of where your partner is on their journey:
We automatically think about what we keep thinking about. Over time, it will be easier for you to think more positive thoughts about your partner by focusing on the positive things they do. To make this change, start small and commit to adding one kind gesture each day towards them. Believe me, even small kindnesses can go a long way!
Remind yourself of the good things your partner has done, it will help you to stay kind when upset. Did they take out the recycling or come home early for a dinner date? Make it a habit of looking at how lucky you are as those moments happen and try to be hopeful and positive. When you see your partner, mention it to them. Noticing the good things about your partner helps to keep you in the Positive Sentiment Override. It is a sense of well-being that arises from positive thoughts and interactions.
Be Accountable For Your Actions
It might feel more authentic to reveal all of your thoughts to your partner, but this can often lead to hurt feelings. It’s important to take a moment for yourself before communicating with them so that they can understand your feelings, even if they have been hurt before. Journaling your feelings throughout the day is helpful. Writing down how you felt can help see patterns in how you're feeling and thinking.
Before you tell your partner how you feel, try becoming more aware of what you're feeling. Anger and frustration are good feelings, but it's possible that others may be feeling annoyance or sadness from your actions. When you really think about it, is that you feel abandoned or that your dreams are not being acknowledged. Being able to identify these feelings will help you to communicate them in a kinder tone to your partner.
Stay Hopeful, Not Just Staying Kind When Upset
Keep faith in your relationship, even if you have disagreements. You will grow closer with time even though there may be restrictions with communication. I see couples in my office who want to “solve” their issues before going out for a walk together or relaxing at home. Be friends with your spouse, It’s impossible to solve problems with someone you don’t even want to collaborate with. As an unofficial consultant, I often recommend couples to do activities together. It is easier to discuss problems with your spouse than with someone you are not so friendly with.
Keep Romance Alive
One way to keep the romance alive is to do little things for your partner like cooking a lovely breakfast or walk their dog (if he/she has one). You could also send them a text telling them about the next movie you are desiring to see together or surprise them with a romantic text mentioning something you're looking forward to being doing later.
It may take some effort to establish a regular date night routine, but it's worth it for the long term. One way to make this happen is by consciously behaving in friendly ways toward your partner. Go out of your way for them and you'll find yourselves closer than ever.
It's really important to be kind when you're communicating with your partner in order for them to best hear what you're saying. Even if it's difficult, try to keep your message constructive and kind in order to get the right type of feedback. If you’ve paved the way for your spouse to be open to you, they are more likely to hear your frustration and respond with compassion. Kindness would get your needs met. The more time you spend with someone, the harder it is to remember they're not perfect. The more we practice kindness, the easier it becomes to see that our significant other is a flawed human who also deserves love & affection.
Being kind & gentle is a decision; not just an act. We all need to remember this habit in our relationship, no matter how many months or years have passed. When people are struggling with us, not against us, it's easy to offer a smile and extend an olive branch. So, make a decision to stay kind when upset, you will thank yourself for doing it.